should i go to the show?

Should I go? I don’t want to be standing there all alone. I’ll just get there late. But I don’t wanna get there too late cause I could miss the band I wanna see the most, and what if I get stuck standing too far back and I can’t see. But If I’m too early there might only be a few people there and I’ll seem weird and it’ll be awkward. Maybe I just won’t go. But I really want to see this band, what if I don’t get another chance.

As a chronic over-thinker, as well as a person with social anxiety, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve found myself stuck in this thought process. I would love to be the confident person who just goes where I want to, when I want to; who just goes to whatever show, and makes new friends while waiting in line. But by nature, that just isn’t me. Maybe for some of you this seems like a very avoidable problem: Just go. Or invite a friend. But I’m sure plenty of you are more like me, and have found yourself wanting so badly to go to a show, but having no one to bring along and being too scared to go alone. I spent so long staying home from shows, moping around and wishing I had a friend who wanted to go to all the same shows as me. I wish I would’ve realized sooner, how fun it can be to just go alone.

I remember the first time I ever went to a concert by myself. It was TERRIFYING. I live in the mid-west, which means going to shows often requires a drive. Sometimes, artists will come to my city, but most often it's a nearby city, and I end up having to drive 1-4 hours to see the artists I want to see. After missing so many of my favorite bands and artists because I couldn’t convince any of my friends to drive 3 hours with me to see a band that they’ve never heard of, I became fed up. And in a weird burst of sudden bravery I decided I was going to drive 2 hours to see Post Animal even if no one would come with me. It was early June, and tornado season was full swing here in Missouri. And as it came time for me to leave that day, the sky began to grow dark and the clouds got swirly and the world got that weird, green, pre-tornado tint. The universe was really trying to keep me from going, but I talked to my dad who told me, I’d be driving away from the storm, and that by the time I was heading back the weather would be calmed down. So I went! I can’t even explain how scared I was, or why I was so scared. My hands shook the whole way there, but it was also such a rush knowing that I was gonna do what I wanted despite the anxiety. When I pulled up to the venue, a very small cafe, in the very small “downtown” of Columbia, Missouri. I was very confused to find that almost no one was there yet, even though it was 30 minutes after the time that the doors were supposed to open. I walked inside and the only other people there were all three of the bands, their crew, and group of friends who were all there together. I felt like I shouldn’t be there, like I was intruding on something I wasn’t invited to. I sat down in the corner all alone, and this is when I got a text from my dad: “The storm is headed your way, text me before you head home if it’s bad you should stay where you are.” This is also the point where I realized my phone was at 10% and I had no charger. The anxiety really started to sit in even worse than before. I felt like I was gonna throw up. I went and asked the lady scanning tickets at the door if she had a charger. She didn’t, and neither did any of the the bartenders or other venue staff. I didn’t know how to get home without my GPS, I didn’t know if a tornado was headed my way that was gonna suck me up on my way home, I wanted to scroll through my phone so I would look busy even though I was sitting all alone but I had to preserve my battery, and on top of that the show was supposed to have started almost an hour ago.

Okay, so this story is getting long-winded and I’m sure you’re all confused how this is supposed to convince you that you should go to shows alone. I finally went up to the guy at the merch table, who let me borrow his phone charger (a true saint, thank you merch guy!), and the show finally started, and I can’t stress enough how blissful that show was. Suddenly everything was okay! I’d never enjoyed a show more, because I’d put myself through so much to be there. When the show started and I got into the music, and suddenly didn’t care about all the people around me, I felt how I imagine an Olympic gymnast probably feels after successfully doing a flip on a high beam, that they’d been too scared to do. I know it probably seems like such a small victory, but it felt so big to me. On the way home, I did get stuck driving through a crazy, windy rainstorm, but instead of feeling anxious, it was exciting. I felt like I was on top of the world. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go to that one show, and suddenly all my anxiety disappeared and now I can do anything. It’s still scary for me every time I decide to go to a concert by myself, but what I learned that night was that it’s SO worth it! I guess the reason I’m writing this story down, is because I know there’s a lot of kids in the same position, and I don’t want any of you to miss out on living your best life because you feel how I felt, and you let it stop you. I’ve never regretted going to a show by myself, what I do regret is all the shows I’ve missed. Going may be the scarier choice, but it will end up being the best choice, I promise you’ll be glad you went. It’s such an empowering feeling to overcome an anxiety that's been holding you back, and with time it will get more comfortable, and you’ll probably even start making friends who live in your area and love the same music as you.

And a few “pro” tips for going to shows by yourself: 1. Bring a charger!! 2. You don’t have to be there early, drive by the venue and if there’s no one there yet, just come back later. And lastly, don’t worry about the people around you, chances are they aren’t even gonna think twice about the fact that you’re there by yourself, plus there are always gonna be other people who are there alone, maybe if you’re feeling extra brave, go talk to them!

words by katie ryan

picture by eva